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Previously on Jamie the Vampire Slayer - HI! I'M STUPID!

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June 27th, 2004


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06:02 pm - Previously on Jamie the Vampire Slayer
THE HALLOWEEN EPISODE


Civil City...
a place of darkness...lurking beneath the naive virgin skin lies a pall of fear...a swelling of demonic energy...and a dirty HO named MUFFY McGEE.
***

After the school uniform incident Civil High decision makers decided maybe they shouldn't be a collection of preppy POSERS and allow their students to wear costumes to school. Joey went as a space marine, Jamie was STORM from the X-men (cause she wanted to wear the kick ass white wig. Figuring that all hell was to break loose tonight the first thing the dynamic duo did was report to principle Leylands office (aka Jamie's Watcher) and find out what was going down for the night. They found Leyland behind his desk, dressed as a cheesy cowboy with a 10 gallon hat on. He informed them that Nothing happens on halloween and that they should enjoy themselves tonight. This set Jamie off however.

"WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!??!?!?!"

Jamie quickly knocked on wood followed by Joey. ((clearly Leyland never actually watched BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER)))

After ASSURING them that everything was fine and to take the night off Jamie and Joey left. Jamie found Dex in the hall at his locker. It had only been a few weeks since the demon ninja incident and it was clear Jamie didn't know how she felt about things. She resigned herself to have a serious talk with Dex as she walked up. But the Ryan Phillpe look a like gave her a smile as she appraoched and she thought...maybe later or something...
So Jamie and Dex begin flirting and good ol pretty boy asks her to the Halloween dance. As Jamie is saying yes Dex produces medival costumes from his locker. Lancelot and Guenivier(sp?)...Awwwww(gag...Jamie would kick my ass if she heard that). Just as they are about to partake in their affirmatory kiss, a super star destroyer opened fire on the school killing everyone.

well. that would have been preferable. But no. The tunes of Christina Agulera's charming number "Dirrrty" begins to blast down the hall. Jamie and Dex turn to see what the fu-

Muffy McGee, dressed like said pop star (wearing nearly nothing, with two of her cronies in two, one holding the boom box). March down the hall and stop right infront of the couple....and begin doing the dance number from the raunchy video.
No. Im not messing with you. They did the freaking dance number. Jamie had fought vampires, killed NINJA DEMONS for the love of god...but horror gripped her. She leaned closer to Dex: "Hold me..."
Muffy finishes her number, unaware that Joey just took like 14 pictures of her with the intention of making every geek in school will have an imaginary night of romance with the most "beautiful girl in school". She hits on Dex, promising to be wearing something even crazier at the dance.

Jamie, acutley aware that she has the power to crush a cinder block in her palm, just smiles as Muffy leaves knowing her boyfriend isn't gonna fall for such base whoring. Dex looks at Jamie. "I kinda...really wanna make out now."
Jamie stares at him..."You know I should be pissed...but I'm not for some reason?"
And they frolic off. Leaving Joey, who decides to go hang out with his role playing geek friends. He finds them in the court yard and they approach him right away*.
*The were the geeks that turn into werewolves. Aparently the geek squad got a new DUNGEON MASTER (wooooooooooo) and they want Joey to come and play with them. Joey declines. He has a dance to go to, Muffy aint gonna be werin much and he still gots some film left...yo. They protest in the name of Dungeons and Dragons. Joey doesn't bite. They get pissed, they march away, Joey shrugs and is about to do the same-

*LEYLANDS VOICE ON THE LOUD SPEAKER* Will Jamie Holt and Joey Murphy please report to the Administrators office.*

Joey: Son-

cut to Jamie in Dex arms, pulling away from his kiss..
Jamie: Of A Bitch!

***

Leyland tells the two that the Watchers Council has informed him that a demon has passed through Civil City and has nested. It has layed eggs and gone unchecked the city could be over run with thousands of demons. Jamie is only a LITTLE pissed that she made plans and now has to cancel them, that something IS in fact going down when she was told other wise, that she has to leave her boyfriend alone at the dance with that SKANK of a cheerlearder. Leyland basically tells them both to get over it. They need to do a ritual. The only problem is that Leyland needs three people for the ritual to work, Joey is hurt and asks why he cant do it. Leyland doesnt think he is up for it. Jamie comes to Joeys defense and the watcher agrees.

Dex didn't take it all that well, he was all Ho Hum about it, but accepted it. That

So while she cold have been at the dance with a hottie, Jamie is going into the freaking sewers to reenact Aliens. And Lo, they did come across the hive. And there were many nasty SLIMEY eggs adorning the walls and floor. And they did sit in the middle and prepare their ritual. And a surge of power from Joey (which hasnt been explained yet) did save the ritual. And the eggs did EXPLODE and the FETISIS did leap from their eggs, dead and slimey. And Jamie did get this on her and she did wail in rage at the utter freaking nastyness of it.

So it was done, and as they are getting ready to leave, a hag female demone thingy looking like a cross between gollum and the goblin from Legend screaming in rage at the sight of her dead nest. Jamie DISMANTLES her in a series of punches and kicks that only a girl denied a night of romance could throw.

Looking down on the demon- "I had a date." The boot comes down into the camera Tyler Durden style. SQUISH.

Figuring that would be the end of it all, the three make it to the surface JUST in time to see a freak standing 7 feet, in armor, with a massive battle axe trashing the place.

Jamie, upon seeing this- "Okay. I would just LIKE TO POINT OUT that SOMEONE-who will go unnamed- Said NOTHING HAPPENED ON HALLOWEEN."

AAaaand she leaps into combat and, using the freaks own axe, kills it. Joey has a funny feeling..something familiar about this half orc. Oh damn. Its a half orc. Its Derriks character from the FREAKING D&D game!

Jamie thinks Joey has lost it, but Leyland thinks they should check it out. They arrive at the geeks gaming spot and head to the basement. There they find the three geeks, all knocked out. One comes to as Jamie rustles him a bit and asks what happened. New DM, the group was pissed abotu Joey ditching them for the dance. They did a spell. Great.

Jamie" OKay so what am I up against?"

"An Amazon, a half-dragon half dark elf..and a chain demon."

Leyland "What the bloody hell kind of games do you people play??"

They arrive at the dance. Jamie tells Joey to find this new whiney stupid DM and destroy the character sheets for these characters, Leyland goes to his office to get something that will help. Jamie scans through crowd and find Dex as Lancleot look damn fine...next to him is Muffy McGee dressed as Lady Gadiva(sp?). Meaning she is wearing a skin colored body suit making her look naked, with her hair covering her breast and strategically placed flowers. And in charges the Amazon before Jamie can throw a table at her.
Woman on a horse with a bow and spear, smashes through the Gym doors screaming "DEATH TO MEN" and takes aim at Dex.

You dont attack a slayers boyfriend. Its just not crickett. It aint in the cards.
The Amazon left her saddle as a half orc axe slams into her havign been thrown from across the room. A fight breaks out, Amazon go down. Dex is all "Oh sweety...is this some kind of show? For the Lancelot Guenivier thing?"
Uuuuuh...YEAH. You like it right?

ROUND TWO!

The other door gets smashed in and the half dragon thingy comes down. Muffy starts screaming about the freaks and how the show is being stolen from her. She gets a blast of nice frosty air as the dragon exhales a breath weapon on her, freezing her and her cronies in place like a big slutty popsicle stick. Joey searches the crowd like crazy to find the Dungeon Master, while Jamie takes the amazon spear and engages the Dragon. Its a short fight, but the dragon gets a tail slap on Jamie the will smart for a day or two. THUMP. Dragon lady drops.

ROUND THREE! FIGHT!

This time the CEILING is smashed through as JOEYS character the chain demon drops in to play. A nasty fight breaks out. Joey spots the DM and goes for him. The whiney bitch calls out for his Demon to protect him, and the demon does, snatching up Joey and holding him aloft.
"YOU ARE MY CREATOR...LIKE MY FATHER...YOU KNOW WHAT I DID TO MY FATHER?"
"You killed him?" Joey offers terrified
"YOU MADE ME KILL MY FATHER!" The demon screams back.

From out of nowhere, Joeys eyes grow dark, and the character sheet lights on fire. The demon drops Joey and freaks. Jamie jumps on its back and breaks its neck, but all that does it piss it off some, so Jamie breaks it again.

DEMON: Stop that.
Jamie: Holy crap that is amazing. Are you guys watching this? *breaks its neck again*
DEMON: GROWL

Joey manages to burn the character sheet up and the demon goes up in a puff of smoke and so do the other characters. Leyland bursts through the door dressed in armor and a sword.
"WHERE IS IT."
Jamie walks up, the Dungeon Master moves to say something to the both of them-
SMACK and goes down like a rubber band.

Jamie" Its cool."

Big finale. Its explained to the dancer goers this was all a big improv halloween production. People are impressed with the principle. Jamie rushed off to the girls locker room, cleaned up and came back in costume.

We pull back as we watch the two love birds, Jamie and Dex slow dance...conitnuous pullback reveals Muffy McGee still frozen in the center of the dance floor...continuous pullback reveals the amazons horse drinking from the punch bowl.

credits


(Stay tuned for pictures!0

(3 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:someperson
Date:June 29th, 2004 11:19 am (UTC)
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man that kicks ass, these posts are as good as the television show
[User Picture]
From:jamievampslayer
Date:July 3rd, 2004 12:57 am (UTC)
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Im glad you enjoy them man :) They arent easy to type up *wipes his brow*
whew.
From:ionaton
Date:January 8th, 2005 07:32 pm (UTC)
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this is easily my favorite episode. BONG.

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